So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Randomize
