he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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