i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
