yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
