Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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