I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
