Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
