I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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