Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
