with your own penis?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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