I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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