The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My breasts were aching with rage.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
