Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
