If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
