Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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