Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
