Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
