my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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