Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
