I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
