I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
