Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
mondays should just be called national damage control day
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
