Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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