If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
