No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
