Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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