I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
