just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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