Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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