that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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