how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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