you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sarcasm needs its own font
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
