I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
