i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
