biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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