the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize