I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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