Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize