I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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