I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
