Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
