I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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