the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
