Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
