just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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