I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
