so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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