you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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