I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
