Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
