so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
