listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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