Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
