I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
