ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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