So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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