# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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